Harmony at Thanksgiving

The Atlantic highlighted an article by Conor Friedersdorf that he wrote last year at this time about how it's better not to talk politics at Thanksgiving, but offers a more harmonious way of doing so if you decide to enter the fray anyway. The article is a good read. This is from the beginning:

On Thanksgiving, it's usually best if you don't talk politics. The subject tends to aggravate people, and it's very unlikely that anyone's mind will be changed. So don't do it. But if you must talk politics, how should it be done?

The idea in this preface--of not talking about politics at all--deserves some consideration. There might be wise and not-so-wise ways of going about this.

The least wise way that I can think of is to resolve not to say anything, no matter how provoked, and to hold in one's reaction by sheer mental strength. A likely result could be blowing up--a far worse outcome than simply engaging from the beginning. 

Stoicism and other traditions offer some useful methods for handling a situations like these:

1. Remembering that people like the relative that is annoying you are an inevitable part of the world, and you are no more able to avoid them than you are rainy days. You don't shake your fist at the sky when it rains, do you? You are entitled to a relative; that's all. Who's ever been entitled to a relative who thinks just like them? 

2. Assuming that, like most people, you believe that your political position is superior and more correct, remembering that you yourself required a formative period to arrive at the views you now hold, and your progress toward these beliefs was in part a product of your unique circumstances, encounters, and experiences, things which aren't necessarily available to other people. For your relatives' part, their own experiences and circumstances led them to think the way they do. You might say then, "It's natural for them to think like that, given the circumstances they were exposed to."

3. Remembering that you are always free to choose your emotional response to stimuli. I don't mean, as I said above, choosing not to express anger. I mean, choosing not to be angry at all. One of the great deceptions of life is that sensory input compels a particular emotional reaction. It does not. You need not be a slave of input, whiplashed around by whatever bothersome thing happens to enter your ears or eyes. 

4. Wishing things to be exactly as they are. This one might seem hard or strange, but if you stop for a moment and inwardly express the desire that whatever unpleasant thing is happening (in the form of a relative that is saying something provocative about politics) does happen, it is often very effective in lifting a sense of annoyance or grievance. Better still, it is often very liberating, in that it frees you up to see what is still within your control; in what ways you are free to act despite the provocation. So whereas formerly the annoying relative might have caused you to stew silently or become quiet and moody, now you might--after pausing to make your wish--brush off the provocation with ease and immediately notice an opportunity to smile and compliment another guest or the host. Quite a bit different than morose silence or a "ruined holiday"!

5. Taking satisfaction in not getting annoyed at trivial things, of which Thanksgiving political discussions are surely one. This is a form of remembering perspective. All eras pass and are replaced by new eras with new controversies. These are, in succession, further replaced by yet newer eras and so on. All humans, for their part, eventually die, and are replaced in turn by newer generations.  Do you remember witnessing controversies among adults, as a kid, and--not being emotionally invested in them yourself--wondering why they were so upset? Must you then re-enact, in your own generation, things that subsequent generations will be equally alienated from and think unimportant? Is it not better to remember perspective now and not get so upset? 

6. Noticing and acknowledging your thoughts and emotions while conversing with relatives. This is a way reducing the power of unwanted emotions and remaining detached from them. If you stand aside from your thoughts, as it were, and look back on them from a removed perspective, you realize that you don't have to identify with them. Your thoughts are not you. This is a form of Vipissana meditation and it may not be easy to understand at first. But once you no longer identify with your thoughts, a gap develops between thought and reaction, which may be just long enough to choose a different, non-reflexive response. 

7. Remembering, above all, that what people say isn't what offends you. It's your opinion about what people say that offends you. 

That's all I've got for now. Happy Thanksgiving!